2005/08/21
I Have A Dream
It was the morning we were to go home after a seven night cruise to Bermuda (celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary). I had one of those early morning dreams that are just beyond the brink of consciousness. In my dream we arrived home but my twins were toddlers again. For five minutes I saw them and felt them and experienced again the essence of their toddler selves. It was so real that when Jason woke me, reality felt more like the dream. It took a minute, but I started to weep. I am even crying now because I know that the dream is the closest I will ever get to having them back again at that age. I want to jump back into it and squeeze those chubby bodies again. I want to hear the crinkling diapers as they do their one-arm moving toddler run. I want to rub my lips on their fuzzy half-haired heads. I want to hear the lisps, and smell their morning cheeks. I want to hold a little padded hand, and slide a chubby foot into a sock with grips. A video simply can’t capture it. The dream came closer. But truly, I can never go back.
It is a bitter sweet reminder of what the gray haired ladies always say in line at the grocery store, “It goes so fast!” Those early days I thought to myself, “Well, it didn’t go fast today, lady!” But I politely nodded and smiled. It is going fast. Too fast. With new resolve I am going to take those hundred-elbow and knee bodies and hold them tight today. I am going to run my fingers through morning hair spikes. I’m going to memorize Izzy’s pre-big teeth face; and Josh’s too big for his face teeth. I’m going to smell their just got out of the shower skin. I’m going to listen to their adventures, and corny jokes, and giggles. I'm going to watch every karate chop and kick, and cheer every football move, and count while they hold their breath under water. I’m going to cherish the hip height hugs on Sunday during worship and the daily prayer to "have a good time today".
I am grateful for the painful gift of that dream the other morning. As my sister always says, I do wish I could take a few of the everyday experiences of life and put them in a box to open when I am old and then take them out and live them again. It can’t happen, but I can savor my children today, and not miss the opportunity to experience them and enjoy them because I know my only other access to today might be a fleeting five minute dream five years from now.
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10 comments:
I often wish the same thing when it comes to my little sister, Judith. She's my "baby" and she's 14, growing up too fast. Thanks for the reminder to cherish little moments. And so glad to have you back! I've missed your blog a lot!
Went and kissed my little cherubs after reading your blog. Let them out of their playard to be w/ mommy in the kitchen while I worked on some dessert for dinner guests tonight. My little men are so good to give me lots of cuddling and kisses (although Judah ends up biting me most of the time..we're still working on technique!) :)
I started to reply-I think it disappeared in cyberspace. Having teens and a toddler gives me a daily reminder that "this, too, shall pass". It's one reason I enjoy napping w/ JOel. Yes, I could be getting things done, but I get to snuggle him close while reading, I rub and scratch his back (and he chooses the long-necked bottle of Jergens which is "the giraffe yotion") for the feet. Last night at bedtime he kept interrupting my prayer for him. Then I fielded one of those theological questions Jimmy referred to. I said, "Joel, do you love Jesus?" "
He said, "No, I love God. But not his friend Jesus." I said Jesus is God's Son, and they are one. "One?" he asked. "One?"
How do you explain the trinity when it's hard to comprehend duality?
Pretty soon those spikey-haired kids will not want Mommy to run her fingers thru their hair (or at lesat they'll pretend not to want it). They'll have hair on their legs. Hopefully one of your kids will choose to shave it off,and I hope it's not a male child!
They will be asking if you're embarrassing them on your blog.
I like when Joel talks about his hernia. He calls it his hernie. Last week he saw the "hernie docker" for a pre-op consult.
So many memories. Yes, savor them. I'm sure we'd be rich if we could patent a memory box full of fresh baby skin smell, gentle lisps, and thigh-high hugs.
Thanks for writing.
You know I was missing your blog but now that you've made me cry I'm reconsidering. I'm the same person that cannot watch their home movies from when they were babies. Their little voices make me cry. I just have to get over it and look forward to grandchildren.
P.S. good to have you back!
Me, too, Karen, I find myself laughing and crying at old home movies. I still love the home video of Sarah (age 5)sitting next to Stephen (age 3) on the piano bench, facing out toward the camera. She has a long, skinny arm around his shoulder (okay, his neck) singing a VBS song on the fruit of God's Spirit--and prompting him to sing along. Her sweet,enthusiastic voice sings out,
"Ya gotta have love, shoy, feace, fatience, fineness, for this is the fruit of God's 'peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerit."
Okay, this is a comment, not a blog. You've just inspired another one!'
Tahnks for making me cry good tears today, Laurie! Today I drove with Daniel as he practiced for his license. He's going to be a senior this year and my heart aches when I remember my precious little Daniel Joseph Buckely-so cuddly and cute. Now he's so handsome and strong and I don't want to let go!!
Time to get off the computer and stop shooing away my daughter, my baby, my 10 year old Mary!!! Two digits now, how did this happen!!! It goes way TOO FAST!
Peg, in my mind Mary is that little blonde girl, three or four at most, dressed in an angel costume at Hallelujah Night. Do you remember that? Oh yes, and my Benjamin Paul is now a fully licensed driver . It was such a special day that I blogged it. Back in March, I believe.
too sweet. I do try to cherish these quick days. As I'm sitting here reading, I realized that my sweet 2 year old, in efforts to get my attention, has put robot stickers all up my right arm.
What a privilege to be a mom. The stretchmarks, early mornings, and extra 20 lbs I still have to lose are all worth it. :)
What a joy it is to have friends surrounding me that are also enjoying their precious babies (young and old).
Laurie,
I had a dream last night you had a baby.
The doctors were wanting you to deliver like May 20, "for your sake," but you kept telling them, "No, the due date is June 14th. I'm gonna trust God to deliver the baby in His time.:
You got a baby girl on June 14th.
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